Q and A

"Mommy, I made a birthday cake!" my bright-faced boy gleefully announced when I walked into his room after his supposed "nap" time. (Sometimes he naps, sometimes he plays. It's a three-and-a-half year old thing.)

"That's wonderful, Grayson!" I replied, looking at the stack of stuffed animals and toys he used to create his culinary masterpiece.

"It's for Arden! It's Arden's birthday cake!"

"Oh, really?"

"Yes, it's for Arden, and Grayson, and Zoey, too! It's our birthday cake!! YAAAAAY!!" He added a few colorful pieces of his wooden dinosaur puzzle to the top for good measure.

"Mommy?"

"Yes?"

"Mommy?"

"Yes, Grayson."

"Mommy, where is Arden's house?"

I took a moment to look down at the rug, presumably for a spot to place the baby so she could play with one of the blurry giraffes or a teddy bear. Steady. Ready. Go.

"Arden's not at a house, Sweetie."

"But she doesn't live here."

"Well, she is here with us, in a way, but we won't get to see her. We remember her; we love and miss her very much, but she's in heaven and in our hearts, remember?"

"Yes."

He paused.

"But where IS she?"

Present tense. He knows she exists -- in our minds, in our pictures, in our stories -- yet he cannot grasp where she is or why she's not with us. In his mind, she is somewhere, in a house, happy, healthy, telling whomever she's with about her baby brother who is making her a birthday cake out of cotton and wood.

In a way, I'm right there with him. I have the same question. For him, I answer it earnestly, hoping it will eventually make sense when he can truly understand life and death. (Does that ever happen for us?) Right now, the only thing he knows is that she is, but she is not. She is his sister, but she is not here.

I know the questions will keep coming, and some of them might be harder for me to hear, let alone provide a satisfactory response. He's already developed his love affair with the wonderful word, "Why?" (Which honestly, I do love and encourage. I want him to have an inquiring mind, to always love learning and seeking information.)

I'll do my best to be honest, even when I don't have the answers.

Next post: "But Mommy, WHY are you BALD?"

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